Why do I feel horrible about ?

I hate . I don't see it is a loving thing, I ociate it with being used. I don't understand how people can feel closer to someone because of it, I always feel further away. It physically feels good but I feel horrible after and feel that the longer I can go without, the better my relationship is. I don't see how it;s healthy. I feel like it has to be soft and nice and meaningful, anything even slightly rough or fun is bad and makes me feel terrible after. I haven't always been this way, and I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, whom I lost my virginity. to. I used to really enjoy and we did it a lot. He personally has done nothing wrong (not that I consciously realize) but I feel like if I have with him, I'm being easy and he should have to work for it and it should be romantic and sweet and should have the whole day dedicated to cuddling after wards, or else I feel like crying and not being around him. I'm not sure what's wrong with me? I could never think of as showing someone you care for them, more the opposite. but all these issues just recently came up, so I don't know where it went wrong. any ideas?